thought on dating

I think the best way to give advice is to share a few things Alysa said to me when I was there:

"One thing that really bugs me is when guys say stuff like, "We should hang out tomorrow."  If they want to go do something they should ask me out in advance instead of assuming that they are the only person in my life right now."

Lesson #1  Ask her out in advance.  Don't think that the relationship is farther along than it is.   

 "I like to do things on dates instead of just talking all the time.  I mean talking is great but I realize that I really like being active."

Lesson #2 Plan something that shows a little imagination or at least some advanced thought. Go hiking [she loves hiking] or snowshoeing [something she has never done but would probably like] instead of just talking. Nature revives her spiritual self and opens her up. 

The next one isn't  a direct quote, but  it is definitely worth mentioning.  When she discovered that her dad and I were taking her to the redwoods and then to a vegetarian restaurant in Capitola for her 26th birthday she cried because it meant so much to her that we noticed what she liked to eat and do.  Neither of us are vegetarians so it meant a lot to her that we were willing to try something different.  

Lesson #3.  Notice the little things she says that let you know things she likes and then surprise her.  She loves little surprises.

"Someday I think I'll write a book about dating and have one chapter about how to get a second date.  Make sure that you do something she's good at because, if you do, she will be relaxed and will have a good time.  Case in point.  I got invited to a painting party and it was great because I was good at it--probably the best one there actually.  But that's not the point.  The point is that I was relaxed and myself."

Lesson #4: If you want someone to feel relaxed around you when you haven't known them very long do something they are good at.  That will give you something to talk about in a natural way.

 "I think I am afraid of getting into a relationship that actually might work.  I find myself pushing away from guys where that could actually happen."

Lesson #5:  This advice is very Alysa specific and there is a very good chance she will try to push you away because she senses that you are someone that in the category of "might work".  I say this because I got the distinct impression that she was talking about you when she said it. You revealed your character in the genuine way you reacted to her "disclaimer" [for lack of a better word] when you first met.  Part of the reason she is afraid is because Alysa wants a family very, very much but is deathly afraid that she isn't going to get it.  She loves kids--they fill her soul--but, because she has been hurt a lot, she has been trying for the last year or so to let go of that desire. But it just isn't in her to be a post-mordern feminist.  Her favorite movie is the new version of Little Women [she could watch that over and over] specifically because she loves the way the movie depicts the caring side of women in a positive light.  Most movies these days don't.  Her very favorite part is when the oldest girl stands up to her sister Jo and says, "Just because my dreams are different from yours doesn't mean that they aren't just as valid."  The other part that makes her cry the most is when Jo breaks down and cries, "I'm so lonely."    Turning 26 was very traumatic  for Alysa.  Never make fun of her for feeling that way, even in jest.  It is one of the few things she is sensitive about.    

 "Mom, I went with Eli a really long time--1-1/2 years--and it completely emptied me. I think I associate long term relationships with that and I don't want that kind of relationship every again.  I did pretty much all the giving and it left me completely spent.  I mean, there were a few times, when I was emotionally and physically spent from working 7 days a weeks and trying to finish painting the murals for the store opening at my apt. half the night, when I broke down and he was really sweet and took me out to get something to eat so I'd feel better.  That meant sooo much to me. You know, the whole time we dated he only gave me flowers once, and that was because it was Valentine's Day and I suggested it to him.   And I even told him that giving gifts is my love language.  I made him dinner almost every night.  He never once made dinner for me.""

Lesson  #6:  With Alysa, little things really do mean a lot. She buys flowers for herself at Trader Joe's every week and puts them in her room.  Nothing fancy.  Just a few daisies or daffodils.  She taught her Dad how to give "just because" flowers to me and checks up on him every so often.

 In Conclusion, I think I should let you know why I took the time to look up your phone number. On the way to the airport I apologized for having to wake her up at 3:30 to take me.  She told me she was glad because she was in the middle of a terrible dream.  She was on the verge of getting into a very toxic relationship with someone she'd taken in because they needed somewhere to stay.  He slept on the couch but after a while, he wanted to move in together.  She didn't want to do it but felt she had to because she needed to show him that she was willing to "really try". She was so happy to wake up and realize that it wasn't real.  I didn't say anything but the dream really unnerved me.  I think it was a warning about her tenancy to be so accommodating and accepting that she ends up becoming something she doesn't fundamentally want to be. When she was talking about her anger towards Eli she said, "Mom he broke me. When I think where I was when we started dating and how hard it is to do things that were so easy then it makes me mad. It's so overwhelming I don't even know if I want to try anymore.  And he doesn't even have a clue that he did that to me."   The bottom line is, Alysa is at a crossroad and you know who always shows up right before something important happens [Adam and Eve right after they were cast out, Joseph Smith kneeling to pray, Moses when he was called to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt]  I'm pretty tired of Satan interfering in my kid's lives. Sometimes I just want to tell him to go to hell.

So that's why I decided to be a fool and text a perfect stranger and see if they wanted a few pointers on dating her.  Thanks for listening.